I think we can all agree that most women are ignorant of the vital importance of being beautiful. Likewise, some key features of a woman’s body may very well avoid public scrutiny and therefore be uglified without the woman even knowing it! More worrisome still, owner of multiple beauty pageants and celebrated “modelizer” Donald Trump is now leader of the free world! So we’ve all got to up our game.
Fortunately, some very dedicated humanitarians are on the job. They’re compiling lists of new ways that women can know that they’re ugly and/or fat! These scientific measurements represent the cutting edge of scientific inquiry. And as a public service, E-Verse Radio has compiled five of the most vital of these measurements so that our readers can be sure to never become complaisant.
5. Thigh Gap: The grandma of body measurements, this refers to women having a gap between their thighs when they’re standing with legs together, feet together. If you don’t have a gap, you’re fat fat fat!
By this measurement, Marilyn herself is hideous:
And this is beautiful (and totally not Photoshopped):
4. Bikini Bridge: When you lie down, this is the space that opens up between your tummy and your bikini because your bikini is being supported by your hip bones.
So, by this measurement, hideous:
And this is beautiful:
3. Ab Crack: The crease on your abdomen midline.
2. A4 Waist Challenge: A4 is the standard size of paper used around the world for work and school, except for the US, where we use the 8-1/2 by 11. A4 is 8.27 x 11.69 inches. The waist challenge is when women hold up a piece of A4 paper in front of their waist, and their waist is smaller than the paper (in other words, from the front, shorter than 8.27 inches). So if you meet the challenge, then you’re literally paper thin! Ha!
1. Finger Trap Test: This is when you take your finger and hold it vertically between your nose and your chin. If your finger touches your lips, then you past the test! A more complicated version of this test is used by plastic surgeons to assess if your proportions are “correct.” In other words, if your mouth sticks out or if you have a “weak” chin. This is called the Ricketts E-line. The hideous Audrey Hepburn fails the test, as do Emma Stone and Cary Grant.
Belly Button Test: reach your arm behind you and then around your waist towards your belly button. If you can touch your belly button, you win! Is the explanation confusing? Why is beauty so hard to understand!
Collarbone Challenge: Do your collar bones stick out enough that you can lay a roll of coins on top of them like your collar bones are a shelf?
iphone 6 Legs: Can you lay an iPhone the long way in front of your knees? If the entire width of both knees is covered, you win! This is the regular iPhone, not the plus size (shudder).
50 RMB Wrist: Can you wrap a 50 RMB bill (15 cm) around your wrist so the two edges touch?